*** ORBUSMAX GUEST OP/ED ***

One, Two, Three, Four, Let's have some fun with War - By Jon Eekhoff

May 7, 2004

The really fun part of being in a war is that we get to dehumanize the opponent. There is nothing quite as delightful as taking a member of the human race and pointing out how different they are, and how they are really closer to animals than man.

Remember how we rounded up all the Japanese Americans and put them in "detention facilities" in World War II? Good thing these folks were bad because it would have been tragic to imprison innocent people.

Before they could begin systematically eliminating the Jewish people, the German government made sure the people knew how evil these Jewish folks were. It would have been terrible to kill innocent people.

Vietnam was tough. We were supposed to "win the hearts and minds" of the people, but at the same time, we had to eliminate the evil Vietcong. It got even more confusing because some of the Vietnamese were fighting with us. After lots of our boys got killed, it was easier to lump all of the Vietnamese together. Collateral damage is okay if the people being collateralized are less than human.

Today, we are facing another problem. How do you tell a good Iraqi from a bad Iraqi? Well, in the interest of assisting my fellow man, I have put together a little guide to help you tell the good Iraqis from the bad ones.

First, good Iraqis are the ones who send us oil. They wear white robes and white cloth around their heads. They usually speak English fairly well because they love our country and respect us enough to learn a proper language like English. Bad Iraqis want to charge us more for "our" oil than they really should. They are greedy. They also wear white robes and cloth and some of them speak English pretty well, but they do it not because they respect our country, they do it because it is sneaky and will allow them to blend in with the good Iraqis.

Next, good Iraqis don't cause trouble. They agree that our country really is smarter than theirs and that we do things the right way. Bad Iraqis are always causing trouble. They throw rocks (they aren't civilized enough to use other weapons); they celebrate when our troops are killed. We see them dancing around like beasts on the news each night. How can they celebrate the killing of our young men? They must be beasts!

Another difference between good and bad Iraqis is religion. Good Iraqis might be Muslims, but they are crazy about it. They do their prayers and stuff like that, but they don't get carried away with any of this Jihad nonsense. The bad Iraqis think we are evil! They don't understand that we are trying to bring peace and prosperity to their empty land. I'm sure you have seen these guys on TV whacking their own heads until blood is running down their faces. They are nuts! They celebrated when the World Trade Centers were blown up. They burned, and dragged bodies of Americans through the streets. They shoot guns into the air and show us the bottoms of their shoes. They are irrational beasts. They cannot control themselves and get caught up in some kind of Islamic craziness almost like monkeys around a fire. Ironically, they really think we are evil. They even say we are evil. Can't they see we are the good guys and that they are evil?

Another way to tell good Iraqis and bad Iraqis apart is that good Iraqis never end up in jail. Good Iraqis are walking the streets peacefully, interacting with our troops and helping rebuild their country. Bad Iraqis end up in jail. These bad Iraqis deserve what they have coming to them, like the bad Iraqis we saw pictures of in that jail in Iraq. You know the guys the soldiers took pictures of doing really funny things. I liked the guy in the black hood with the wires hooked up to him. How about the naked guys lying on top of each other? What about the naked guys next to the female soldier who was checking out their manhood? I heard some people say they were horrified by these pictures. They just don't get it. They just don't understand that we are different than them. We are better. We aren't like animals.

Does your blood boil when you see an American held prisoner on television? What if the Iraqis were taking our prisoners and putting them in positions like our troops did to their people? What will happen to our captured troops in the future? How can we preach about a moral high ground when we are standing in a sewer of our making?

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Jon Eekhoff is a teacher in Western Washington, and one of the 5 greatest basketball players to hail from Lemoore, California.