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My Life by George W. Bush - By Jon Eekhoff
July 12, 2004
With Bill Clinton’s new autobiography hitting the bookstores this past
week, I thought it would be appropriate to look into my crystal ball and
imagine what our current president’s biography will look like in a few
years.
Chapter One: The Silver Spoon years.
This chapter will detail the tough “middle class” upbringing that made Bush
such a go-getter and drove him to achieve through hard work and guile. “I
was born in a ‘lower middle class’ neighborhood in New Haven, Connecticut on
July 6th 1946. My friends always had more money than my family.” This
chapter will also include Bush’s time fighting for survival on the mean
streets in Midland and Houston, Texas.
Chapter Two: How I got into Yale.
In this chapter we will find out how Dubaya got into Yale with his
excellent GPA and 1600 on the SAT. His late nights of study will be
contrasted with the numerous jobs he had to hold down to pay for college,
because he wasn’t one of those kids whose daddy got them into Yale and paid
for everything. Graduation in 1968 will be a turning point because Dubaya
will have to decide how he wants to serve his country in Vietnam.
Chapter Three: I want to be a hero.
In this section we find our hero being torn between enlisting in the
Mariners to fight the “evil doers” in Asia and his need to stay home and
protect the country by flying for the Texas Air National Guard. Even though
our hero scored just 25% on the pilot aptitude test, the Air National Guard
sees what an excellent pilot Dubaya was going to be and they signed him up
to fly F-102s on May 27th 1968.
This part of the book might get a little confusing but between 1968 and May
of 1972 there were lots of records to show Dubaya’s excellent fighter pilot
abilities, keeping the skies over Texas free of Vietnamese. From May 1972 on
things get a bit sketchy with the record keeping. For the first time ever,
Dubaya admits that he said he was going to Alabama to continue his service,
but ditched the idea when he heard he would have to take a drug test. His
lawyer at the ACLU advised him that the test was against his Constitutional
rights and he should skip town. Dubaya shocks the world with his admission
stating, “I did it for the worst possible reason. I did it because my daddy
said I could.”
Chapter Four: A Harvard MBA is no guarantee.
Chapter four finds Dubaya back at school and getting his MBA. He then turns
his know-how to the oil business. He gets some start-up money from someone
who can’t be mentioned here because it would violate an agreement between
Dubaya and Mr. Bin Laden. Anyway, the good news is that our hero sells his
stock before the company goes bankrupt. Owners of the Texas Rangers notice
this up-and-comer and hire him to oversee the Ranger’s baseball team. Dubaya
directs a great trade between the Rangers and the White Sox. The Rangers get
George Bell and Dubaya unloads Sammy Sosa before he starts setting home run
records. Somewhere in here he drinks too much get a drunken driving ticket
and then God tells him to become a politician.
Chapter Five: Don’t mess with Texas.
The wise people of Texas elect Dubaya in 1994 as Governor of their mighty
state. He rolls back environmental standards, makes Houston the most
polluted city in the nation and zaps more guys on death row than ever
before. He also leads the Texas educational miracle where records are
altered in order to show how great everything is going. Close Bush advisor
Ken Lay takes notice of the education miracle and will employ the same
method to show growth in his company. After getting reelected in 1998 Dubaya
sets his sights on becoming the leader of the free world.
Chapter Six: Now I am president, what do I do?
In 2000 the great people of the United States elect Al Gore president, but
because Dubaya is such a great guy he gets to be president anyway. He then
directs the country into the largest annual deficit, the largest stock
market decline, the record for the most personal bankruptcies in 12 months,
and takes the most vacation days of any president in history. His personal
advisor, Ken Lay, finds himself in some hot water and Dubaya does his best
to forget he ever knew Mr. Lay.
Chapter Seven: 9-11
This chapter will be the longest and full of the most information. 9-11
will be the turning point in Dubaya’s presidency; it gives him something to
focus on other than how badly the presidency has been going so far. Dubaya
goes after the evil-doers, but gets distracted by wanting to blow up Iraq.
He invades Iraq claiming to get WMD, no wait, to get Al Qaeda, no wait, to
bring peace to the Middle East. Eventually Iraq is such a mess Dubaya
decides to pull out and put the UN in charge, but by that time it is too
late to save his presidency.
Chapter Eight: Why I lost the election.
The final chapter will detail a vast left-wing conspiracy supported by Al
Qaeda and the PLO. Fortunately, Dubaya lands on his feet and gets a job
under his ex-vice president working for Halliburton. Dubaya draws a large
salary and is assigned to playing golf with world leaders. This job allows
him to employ all his charm while not actually doing anything constructive
or destructive, in other words, it is his perfect job.
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Jon Eekhoff is a teacher in Western Washington, and one of the 5 greatest basketball players to hail from Lemoore, California.