*** ORBUSMAX GUEST OP/ED ***
A Modest Proposal - By Jon Eekhoff
August 8, 2004
”I have been assured by a very knowing American of my acquaintance in
London, that a young healthy child well nursed is at a year old a most
delicious, nourishing, and wholesome food, whether stewed, roasted, baked,
or boiled ...” – Jonathan Swift, "A Modest Proposal"
With the Republican convention less than a month away, I thought it would
be a good time to propose a few ideas that will help to solidify the Bush
legacy. Many of these notions are already in the works, but getting them
into the Republican platform would be a bold step forward.
First, and most importantly, we need to increase the tax cuts. The first
round of tax cuts have gotten us into a recession and run up a bit of a
debt, but we are so close to turning the corner we just need a little bump
to get us over the economic hump and then it will be all downhill toward
economic prosperity. In fact, I think we can cut taxes down to a flat 10%
tax for everyone. Now I know you fiscal conservatives think this is a bit
extreme and that we will run up a huge debt, but paying off the debt is not
our problem, it is our kid’s problem.
The second part of my proposal is to increase the number of soldiers we
have in the military. With my proposal we will be able to boost the number
of troops by 800%. This will allow the Bush administration to knock off the
other axes of evil: North Korea and Iran. Where will we get these new
troops? Outsourcing! Yes, that is right, for what we pay one American
soldier, we can hire eight soldiers from some third-world nation. Here is
how it works: We hire the overseas troops, give them instant American
citizenship, pay them 1/8 of what we pay an American troop and send them off
to fight against any foe we have in the world. These soldiers will simply
fight until they die and then we don’t have to worry about crowding our
country with the unwashed masses. Body counts on the news each night will
have hardly any impact on our good Americans because it won’t be our sons
and daughters dying. With this fighting force at our command we can act
unilaterally and without a thought toward NATO and the UN.
A third proposal that would save the US taxpayer tons of money and
streamline the federal government is sponsored cabinet posts. Every year the
federal government would put each cabinet post up for bidding, the highest
bidder will gain control of the cabinet post and is allowed to name the post
and send representation directly into each cabinet meeting. So the State
Department could become the CBS News State Department, or the Halliburton
Defense Department. How about the Lockheed Martin National Security Advisor,
or the ACLU Attorney General, or the ADT/FBI, or the Raytheon Central
Intelligence Agency, or the ENRON Department of Energy, or the Citibank
Department of Treasury or the McDonalds’ Commerce Department? Not only will
these sponsorships rake in the big money, they will also cut down on the
communication barriers that have been burdening these corporations from
getting exactly what they want. Think of the layers of government fat that
can be trimmed by sponsoring these cabinet posts.
My last proposal is that we get with the program and finally declare
Christianity the official religion of the United States. Of course we will
allow other religions to exist within our country, we will just make it
clear to them that they are wrong and they are on their way to Hell. If we
do this in a loving a Christ-like manner, they will certainly see the light
and hop on board. Declaring our nation a Christian one is very important to
the overall Republican platform because the entire focus of the Republican
Party should be on achieving Armageddon, and in order to get to Armageddon
we have some serious work to get done. Imagine the reward George W. Bush
would get if he could get Armageddon rolling.
My proposed tax cuts and increased debt make more sense with Armageddon;
God certainly isn’t going to ask us to pay up. My military will get the
global war started that will take us to Armageddon. The sponsored Cabinet
Posts won’t really help Armageddon, but it certainly can’t hurt. Declaring
our country Christian will certainly help us all in the afterlife because I
am sure God has a special place for all Christian Americans.
With these bold proposals as a foundation for the Republican platform there
is no way Bush can lose. We need a leader like Bush to continue his bold
vision for America, a vision that I share with him: Let’s destroy the world
so God can save us.
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Jon Eekhoff is a teacher in Western Washington, and one of the 5 greatest basketball players to hail from Lemoore, California.