*** ORBUSMAX GUEST OP/ED ***

The New and Improved Bill of Rights - By Justin Darr

January 26, 2004



Conservatives should all feel very sorry for Liberals. Imagine, all their time being taken up looking for new ways to be offended and searching out new special interest groups to pander support. Combine this with nightly Internet meetings with the Howard Dean Campaign (soon to renamed "revivals" as the Primaries and Dean's polling numbers go South) and our Leftist friends literally have no time to further their neo-Communist agendas! The Democrats' Activist Federal Judges are putting in yeoman's service to keep the undermining of our society on track, but they are repeatedly thwarted by that Constitution "thingy" they read about once back in law school.

These Liberal Judges have found that they can only rewrite the laws that come before them in court cases. Even with the support of the ACLU, it would take years to rework the body of American jurisprudence to fit the Socialist Ideal. Due to these obvious time constraints, it is apparent that the real evil in America is the Constitution itself. After all, the thing is over 200 years old and full of traditional junk that nobody really cares about any more. It is time for the document to evolve. Now, in the interest of bettering our nation for Liberals, I present The New and Improved Bill of Rights.

1st Amendment: Not bad, just needs a little tweaking. This Amendment is just way too open to hate speech. Why, according to this, you could actually tell Liberals that you think they are wrong. The Amendment should read: Nobody in the States may mention Christianity or allude to any of its practices or beliefs. All other religions shall be embraced so long as they are foreign to Judeo-Christian heritage, utilize various gemstones for worship, believe human were genetically engineered by aliens, or advocate terrorist attacks on citizens of the various States.

2nd Amendment: Whoa!!! Hold on here! This one just needs to be deleted! As a good Liberal, you should agree nobody should have a gun unless they are a criminal! In fact, the military should not have guns either! We need to brush this Amendment aside and replace it with the New Amendment 2: The right of the citizens not to have their feelings hurt shall not be abridged. Any attempts to modify a citizens beliefs, make them stop blaming others for their lot in life, or criticize their life style shall be deemed insensitive and immediately halted. These Rights shall not apply to males of European descent.

3rd Amendment: Since most Americans are products of the public education system, they really do not know or care about anything this Amendment might say. Therefore, it should be treated as though it does not exist.

4th Amendment: It has become obvious that search warrants capture far too many criminals. Since most criminals commit crimes because either they, or their ancestors, were repressed in some way, search warrants shall be replaced by phone calls to the accused where the police ask to set up a convenient appointment time to conduct a search. If no evidence is found, the offending police force must be disbanded and sent to sensitivity training courses. This Amendment shall not apply to students who attempt to carry illegal aspirin or rescue inhalers into "drug free school zones".

5th Amendment: The right against self-incrimination shall now be renamed: The Clinton Administration Memorial Amendment. Use of this right by Conservatives shall authorize any Liberal to substitute the story of their choice into the Conservative's testimony.

6th Amendment: The "Right to a Quick and Speedy Trail" shall be replaced by: If you are rich and famous you are innocent, therefore, no trail is necessary. However, the right of the Accused to assassinate the character of a victim shall not be impugned.

7th Amendment: This Amendment offers no benefit to the Liberal Agenda. It should be replaced by: Liberals are always right. If a Liberal is proven wrong, the major media shall spread misinformation to the contrary.

8th Amendment: Hey! This is a great Amendment! With just a little effort, Activist Judges can make it where no criminals are punished. We will just leave it alone except that cruel and unusual punishment shall be defined as "holding citizens accountable for their own actions".

9th Amendment: What! Stop the presses! "The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights, shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by the people." The Founding Fathers must have been sampling their own medicinal marijuana to write this padlum. How did they expect America to be forcibly warped into a Workers' Paradise? Loose talk like this might make citizens think that government is subservient to the electorate! This Amendment shall be renamed The Double Secret Probation Amendment. In all publications of this Amendment, the printing shall be rendered purposely smudged and unreadable. Congress shall then declare that the error was a typo to be corrected in the next edition. Failure to correct the error in subsequent editions shall be blamed on Republicans.

10th Amendment: More of the same! It is becoming readily apparent that the Founding Fathers were not good Socialists by any standard! This must be why Europe hates us! And, it is all Jefferson, Madison, and that old pervert Franklin's fault! This Amendment shall be rewritten to decree that all Americans must be educated to hate their past and feel guilty about all American accomplishments. Oh, wait!!! We are already doing that.

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Justin Darr lives with his wife and twin children in the Philadelphia area where he is an executive manager for a national company. You can see all of his work each week on TheFence.com, TheRant.us, TheRealityCheck.org, RightTurns.com and several other local and national publications.