*** ORBUSMAX GUEST OP/ED ***

Democracy is Found Unconstitutional - By Justin Darr

June 14, 2004

At the top of the news in the year 2057, the national spokesperson for the American Civil Liberties Union announced that the organization is now happy that slight progress has finally begun to be made in the United Communes (formerly the vile United States) toward creating a truly free and unbiased society with the recent Supreme Court ruling that there will not longer be free elections due to the fact that the electoral process discriminates against those who do not vote for the winning candidates. The office of the President will now be filled by a schizophrenic, hermaphroditic, transvestite with one leg and no teeth. He/she/it may not be big on the social graces, but makes up for with a serious drinking habit and nasty temper. The new President is so enlightened in the ways of the Separation of Church and State that he/she/it's first act in office shall be to attempt to extradite God to the United Nations Criminal Court to face charges for crimes against Humanity. The Office of the Vice President shall now be filled by a snail darter. No longer will meat-eating mammals unfairly dominate political discourse! Beings of all ages are invited to pedal down to the Clinton Memorial Zoo to celebrate our newfound freedom by pelting the last known specimens of The American Feral Christian with insults and small stones. (Please note, Tuesday is an Alternative Breathing Day, where all Americans are asked to inhale only once every three minutes as to give our oppressed animal brothers their fair share of oxygen.)

The spokesperson of the A.C.L.U. is cautiously optimistic, "It is just a small step, but there will be more to come. I remember back 50 years ago when we forced Los Angeles County to remove this dumb little cross from their county seal. Hell, nobody really knew it was there let alone was offended by it. But that didn't stop us. The brave liberals on the Los Angeles County Board of Commissioners took the bold step of meeting with us in secret, far from the prying eyes of their meddling constituents, and offered concession after concession to the A.C.L.U., begging us not to press a law suit against them or call them insensitive. It was just a small step, but it was another in a long line of decisions where the values and opinions of thousands of citizens were ignored by their elected officials to suit the whims of a couple of losers with too much time on their hands. The really funny part was how many people did not think it was that big of a deal! But those tyrannical Framers of the Constitution would have, thank any non-denominational, single or multi segmented, deity so long as it is not Judeo-Christian that they were all dead and their words not taught in the public schools. I would have paid money to see Washington, Jefferson, and that old pervert Franklin's eyes bulging out of their heads in shock at what damage we had done to their beloved nation!

"What's really hilarious is how the death of the Great Satan, though in those days we still called him Ronald Reagan, actually distracted many of the people who would have tried to stop us from trampling over the rights of thousands!" The spokesperson then curled up into a fetal position and began to slobber and mutter to himself incoherently in honor of those brave beings that, through no fault of their own, are too lazy to speak comprehensibly.

There have been many great strides toward the fair and equitable world we live in today. Residents of California are now living in inflatable life rafts in the middle of the ocean so they no longer distract migrating birds. To compensate for years of exploitation of the Third World, America initiated Operation President Kerry, where we flew are own airplanes full of civilians into our own buildings. (While this bold plan has not ended Islamic terrorism in the United Communes, there where only 26 terrorist attacks in North America yesterday. Officials feel confident that with just a few more self inflicted attacks, the terrorists may finally tell what we have done to offend them.) While many organizations and beings played a roll in these successes, the A.C.L.U. has always stood at the vanguard.

When asked what was next for the A.C.L.U., the spokesperson said, "Our goals have not changed for a century. Wherever there is a malcontent who feels those around him are too happy, we'll be there. Wherever two straight lines intersect in 90-degree angles forming a cross, we shall force them askew. Whenever children look at the sky and dream of tomorrow, we will snuff that spark of independence out and force them to think like their friends. If a family bows their heads to give thanks to God for the food on their table, we shall charge them with hate speech. We will never stop until the White House is razed, the words of America's Founders tossed on the Ash Heap of History, and the Constitution ripped from its place of former honor and used as a floor mat on a partial birth abortion clinic's floor." The spokesperson then disrobed and began chasing a 7-year-old boy down the street shouting, "Stop violating my rights and let me molest you!"

This story may be ridiculous. But so are the assaults on our freedom.

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Justin Darr lives with his wife and twin children in the Philadelphia area where he is an executive manager for a national company. You can see all of his work each week on TheFence.com, TheRant.us, TheRealityCheck.org, RightTurns.com and several other local and national publications.