LARS LARSON PARODY: BREAK-IN AT HOME OF OREGONIAN COLUMNIST STEVE DUIN

(Phone tones dialing 9-1-1)

Rings once...

(Mary lee) 9-11 emergency...do you need police, fire or medical?

(Male voice, urgent) police...I need police...and quickly.

(Mary lee) what's the problem?

(Male voice) I think someone's broken into our house?

(Mary lee) what's your name and address sir?

(Male voice) Steve Duin (Deen) I live at 234 Stickel court, in Lake Ego.

(Mary lee, tentative) Mr. Duin...the newspaper columnist?

(Male voice) yes...hurry...I heard broken glass. I think someone's in the house.

(Mary lee) Please hold

(muzak... :05)

(mary lee) Mr. Duin...before we can send someone...we need to ask just a few questions.

(male voice) whaaaaaat?!

(mary lee) Mr. Duin, choose one of the following. When the officer responds...if someone appears to be threatening your or your family, would you like the officer to

-respond with deadly force
-offer a harsh look
-call an ACLU attorney

(male voice) YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING?!

(mary lee) not at all Mr. Duin. This is important. If the intruder in your house has a gun...and before he doe anything...would you prefer that he

-wait until he actually sees it
-stop him using any means necessary
-or let you defend your own household

(male voice) DEFEND MY OWN HOUSEHOLD?

(mary lee) if you believe in the second amendment...it's not problem.

(male voice) THE SECOND AMENDMENT? WHAT'S THAT?

(mary lee) exactly...Mr. Duin...we'll have an officer out to your location just as soon as we can find an attorney to sign off on possible use of force.

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Lars Larson is a Northwest-based talk show host, doing a local show for 750-AM KXL in Portland, Oregon, as well as the nationally-syndicated "Lars Larson" show.