*** ORBUSMAX GUEST OP/ED ***

Is Your Iron On? - By Rocky Brown

January 14, 2004

The Washington State Department of Transportation is considering a new signage campaign. Pleased with the success of such signs as, "Fender Bender? Drive Damaged Vehicles to Shoulder," the department will soon roll out a new category of helpful reminders. Pink-colored, the signs will query the driver with questions sure to get any evening out off to an interesting start. The rollout is slated to begin next month with the sign, "Iron On?" March will see our highways posted with "Got the Tickets?" In April officials will placard "Driving too close?" along the state's expressways. Other signs are in the works.

Some of you may remember when the private sector was condemned for its written clutter upon our roadways. Of course, that was long before Lady Bird Johnson cleansed society of that problem, and progress cleansed society of private ownership. Now we are blessed with the benevolent State telling us to "Form Three Lanes Left." Whatever happened to the simple "Right Lane Ends"? Pleasantly, a sign now asks "Lights?" formerly just when we entered a perennially darkened area, but now, thank God, also when we leave one. Another useful new sign reminds us what number to call if we desire to "Ride Share."

Bored with the standard "Car Pool" sign, some middle management team at DOT must have thought the new cryptic "Ride Share" sign would bring meaning to a Wednesday staff meeting. (Now we know who inspired Almost Live's famed Middle Management skit.) I drove by these multicolored and messy signs a half dozen times before deciphering their message. Blessed with this 21st Century encouragement we are also blessed with a 21st Century phone number to accompany it. As a result the new "Ride Share" phone number is as easy to recall as my Yahoo password. The old Car Pool signs have been down for several years, yet I still recall the 1-800-CAR-POOL number, but alas, the term 'car pool' is as passé as that of 'limited government,' so it is out with the old and in with the new at DOT.

DOT apparently holds the same "out with the old" belief regarding grammar. "Litter and It Will Hurt" we are told, but who or what is "It" and why is "It" in pain? Further, unless it is 'litter' dumped by an abortionist in what possible way could "Litter" be hurting? Shouldn't the state avoid assisting the slide into text messaging oblivion and post, "Littering Subject to $101 Fine"? The fine could be posted using liquid crystal display to ease its continued upward adjustment. I am sure you are pleased, as am I, that government accountants have taken the time to cost out these fines to the dollar. A $100 fee reflects such a common mentality, while the $101 posted littering charge, recently raised from $86, suggests a comforting oversight by those who know and those who care.

Now as a public service, before you continue with your reading, let me ask, is your iron on?

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Rocky Brown is 10 year resident of Puyallup, WA.